Do I hafta eat?

So a few months ago I began to realize that my meds weren't quite as effective as they had initially been. They still worked but my energy levels weren't great and my level of caring/interest was down. So after talking with my nurse we decided to add a second medication, one that I had used in the past with my current medication. So I was now on celexa and adding Wellbutrin. 

A little history - I was on both celexa and Wellbutrin about 15 years ago and had good results while using both. So I felt completely comfortable adding Wellbutrin this time. 

The reaction I had this time was not the same. It made me anxious, caused daily headaches and did not help with my  depression or energy levels at all. So after 3 weeks of constant headaches I stopped taking the Wellbutrin. 

When I went to my next appointment with my nurse i told her that I had stopped taking the Wellbutrin. We discussed what had happened when I took it this time. We then discussed any allergies or drugs I had taken before to narrow down a new option. The new prescription is for topamax and I've been on it now for a month and a half. She did warn that one of the side effects of the drug was weight loss, but since I don't normally react the same way as most  people I didn't think anything about it. A few weeks after I started taking it I realized that I wasn't eating unless I consciously thought about it. Oops. 

The appetite suppression has its pros and cons. I'm not eating out of boredom and I'm eating smaller portions. Both of these are good things. On the flip side I really didn't eat much today, a cheese sandwich, almonds, crackers. I finally fixed dinner at 6 - pierogies and green beans, but honestly all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and not eat. 

I know I need to eat. I workout. I know the correlation between food and working out. But having gained all this weight this past year there's a part of me going omg I'm not eating woohoo! How am I supposed to shut that off and start eating and exercising responsibly?! I know there isn't an easy answer but man I wish there was. 

The headache that wouldn't die

At my last meds appointment the nurse added a new medication to what I am currently taking. It's now been about 3 weeks but instead of feeling better Ive been having almost daily headaches that don't go away even with aspirin use. Headaches are a side effect of the second medication. So I'm now trying an experiment, I stopped the second medication yesterday. I'm still dealing with headaches but it could be withdrawal. After erands this morning it thought today's headache may have been caused by dehydration but I'm now on my third 30oz. bottle of water and my headache is getting worse so I don't think that was it :-/ I'm going to restart my half training tomorrow after I drop off my mom. I'm crossing my fingers that the headaches end soon 

And when you least expect it...

So I've had a pretty decent day. Went out for breakfast, yummy. The relaxed a little while I waited for it to warm up a little more before running. I knew where I was running today, I was going park at my old high school and run north to where I usually start so that I could take advantage of the football stadium bleachers to do the stairs. Murphys law was in effect on my run today - every time I saw another runner coming towards me I hit a walk interval. :-:/ I made it out to my normal starting point feeling good and started back to the school. I was at about 4.5 when I started hearing a runner approaching me from behind and shortly after a woman passed me. Now on this bike path there are roads that need to be crossed and we were approaching the road. The woman stopped at the road waited a minute or so and then headed back as she approached me she put her hand up and we gave each other a high five! This totally made my day! So far since moving here I've been really disappointed with the running community in this area. No one is friendly and I'm not used to that at all. Anyway I finished my run and headed to the stadium to do some stairs. Since its been a while since I've had to go up any kind of stairs I decided to do 5 minutes of stairs for today and keep adding more each week. I definitely need to do more stairs!

I came home showered, had dinner and then watched some tv. When I got bored watching tv I downloaded my run from my Garmin watch and wrote up my run on Dailymile. I watching checking Twitter on my phone - don't ask I have no idea why I was on my phone instead of the laptop. The screen shut off like it does and when I went to get back on it didn't respond at all so I shut it off, waited and turned it back on. A screen popped up saying the pc has shut down incorrectly and gave me options for restarting.  I reopened the laptop went to open google chrome and the laptop shut down again - ugh!!!!! Now it won't turn on at all. So I texted my brother to ask his advice. I tell him what happened and instead of advising me he texts back "so mom is supporting you and your cat and now you broke her laptop. Nice job aunt Janet. Lol" I didn't find this funny at all. Our aunt is an alcoholic who has a lot of problems.


I'll admit I have problems - I have severe clinical depression. I lost my job a year ago and had to move in with my mom. I'm working on this. I'm back on meds, I'm in counseling and until now I haven't felt stable enough to have a job. I did lol for work when I moved here but I was getting sorry we're going in a different direction everywhere I applied. And all I'm looking for is a cashier or stock job to pay my bills while I figure out what I want to do. I feel guilty about my situation as it is I don't need my brother pointing it out to me. It really hurt. It was like getting sucker punched. I just wanted to curl up somewhere and cry.

So now what...

not really sure how i feel about starting this blog. i want to tell my story but at the same time i like my privacy. i have a lot of negative thoughts running through my head that i need to get out but i don't want people to think i want them feeling sorry for me. i don't want pity.

so we'll see how this goes.